50 Ways to Leave Your Lover: The Grace Take

When writing my book, The Grace Arsenal, I spent a lot of time trying to explore great examples of grace, and how that grace fit into a model I built to better support my efforts to find and share grace in everyday life. One that I did not consider, even once was Paul Simon's song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover."

Released when I was only 10 years old (and still trying to learn what exactly it was that defined a "lover"), Simon's song, like all popular songs in the 1970's, was played at least once an hour on our 28 hour round trip drive to Disney World - and thus was forever etched into my brain along with the fascinating plasticized plaid upholstery on the seats of the Ford LTD in which we made the pilgrimage to pay homage to Mickey.

Why would I suggest that Grace is somehow found in this song about a dissatisfied man looking for a way to escape his relationship? If you are like me, when you listened to the lyrics, you probably questioned the motives and action of his significant other, the real protagonist of the song. The model I created to help guide my life decision in a more courageous and graceful path, "The Grace Pyramid" seems to fit Simon's female counterpart quite well. As you walk through the lyrics, you can find most, if not all the elements of The Grace Pyramid.

Gratitude - Although not stated outright, implied in her actions and words is gratitude for her lover and their relationship. Phrases like "It grieves me so to see you in such pain", and "The problems is all inside your head. . . " as well as her crafty method of helping her "lover" work through his uncertainty shows her deep gratitude for their relationship.

Humility - If indeed humility, as I share in the book, is more about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and how you fit in a bigger whole, then our heroine is extremely humble. She knows her role in their relationship and is strong enough to use that understanding to help him understand the same. 

Vulnerability - I am not sure I can think of something more vulnerable than discussing, with your lover, the 50 ways in which he could possibly leave you. She may have the market cornered on vulnerability.

Empathy - If I am not mistaken, our leading lady in the song starts with empathy by targeting what is bothering our singer. He's uncertain of how he intends to leave his lover. She, rather than focusing on the bigger and far more important question of why, stays in his space and tackles the how. I'm not sure I can imagine being that empathetic and humble to avoid the bigger question of why, even if just for the crisis at hand. My hat is off to our heroine on this one!

Integrity - In any long-term human relationship, there is an implied (if not spoken) integrity. I am partnered with you, and we agree to support this relationship in a way that is good for us both. Simon's partner is acting with integrity to support the relationship through the challenges our singer is trying to leave. By entertaining his desire to depart, she's giving the relationship the best chance to survive - hence integrity.

Honesty - In the book, I talk about discerning honesty. What part of the whole story am I planning to tell? We all decide what to and not to share at a given moment for all kinds of reasons. Our heroine in the song chooses to not share that she is hurt, angry, or frustrated.  Rather, she shares her ideas on how one could indeed leave their lover. "The problem is all inside your head she said to me. . ." I understand the issue, and I'm here to help. Honesty, but discerning as to what to share and what not to.

Patience – This was the first of the grace merits to hit me when listening to the song recently, I think mastering the patience to counsel your lover through their plans to leave you requires a saintly level of patience that I don't believe most of us possess. "The answer is easy if you take it logically."

Humor - The line that suggests most loudly to me that she is laughing to herself through this whole process, "It's really not my habit to intrude. . ." I get that this is probably fictitious, but I would have really like to have seen her eyes when she spoke those words. My bet? They had a spark, a light that hinted at the raucous laughter going on inside her head!

Wisdom - Sun Tzu, in The Art of War teaches us that "The greatest victory is that which requires no battle." Simon's girlfriend teaches us great wisdom through her victory. Yes there could have been a massive battle with major casualties in the loss of a relationship. But from what we can infer from the end of the song: "Why don't we just sleep on it tonight and I believe in the morning, you'll begin to see the light. And then she kissed me, and I realized she probably was right. . . " I know that it may be a bold inference, but it was my interpretation of the song. Regardless, she, and Paul Simon, taught me a little bit more about grace through this song. Perhaps it should have been on Simon's later album, Graceland?

In the end, it's often the unexpected sources that teach us the most about the virtues we seek in life. Paul Simon's song, "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," may seem an unlikely example of grace, but as   I've discovered , it contains many of the elements of her Grace Pyramid model. From gratitude to wisdom, Simon's girlfriend demonstrates an array of virtues that  turn what could have been a nasty breakup into a graceful exit. So whether it's a pop song or a work of literature, the lessons we learn can come from anywhere – if we're open to them.